When my wife was pregnant with our first daughter, a very good friend of mine gave me the most (only?) piece of useful advice I would receive on raising a kid for the first year of their life. He simply said “your only job for the first year is to make sure she doesn’t die”. Period. Done.

But.. babies are sponges! But… they learn so much easier! But… their formative years! But… college, high school 4k, 3k!!!!! To which I respond: who gives shit? It’s a baby for the love of Pete!

Now, if you are the type of parent who has dreamed for years of spending hours of your time stimulating the cerebral cortex of a being who would as soon shit on your face as play Pat-a-Cake, then by all means do a Google search for ‘how to make your baby smarter’ and have a blast.

But if you live in the world where you work, sleep and eat then give yourself a break. I’m guessing any parenting dreams you had involved cuddling, walks and seeing if you can make it 365 days without being pooped or peed on (I did not make it). My oldest daughter just turned 5, and she was the sweetest, quietest and most fun little being to have around. We made it our goal to change our lives as little as possible; we took her with us everywhere we went and simply had fun.

On the other hand our second daughter just turned 3, and she was a baby sent straight from the bowels of hell to punish me for some unrevealed wrong. I came to understand how it is that babies get smothered in their sleep: the number of sleep deprived visions of violence I had during that year is a scary thought into my psyche (and yes yes yes people, any such thing is unforgivable. That doesn’t mean it isn’t understandable). So quite literally I was ecstatic to have her reach the year 1 mark intact. We barely had time to sleep much less try to teach her math (there is indeed a book titled ‘How to Teach Your Baby Math).

Two very different daughters with very different first years. Yet at their respective ages of 3 and 5 they are both clearly intelligent, interactive and fun girls. There is certainly research which says even babies can learn many things. But there is also much research which says that in the long term those babies and young kids with crazed teaching parents do not end up with an advantage over the rest of our poop machines. So change some diapers, feed your kid, don’t let them die in their sleep and tell any of those self-righteous over achieving parents telling you about everything they do to just suck it already.

I don’t believe in many parenting sayings, but the old adage of ‘they’ll grow up before you know it’ certainly applies. My oldest is only 5 and already I am forgetting much of that first year. While I personally would rather get kicked in the nuts by a pack of drunk monkeys than go back to the baby days, I do look back on that year with fondness. And you may be one of those weird baby people. So while you are in it, just enjoy it.