I remember an article I read some years ago written by some random Mother. It was a beautiful revisiting of a time her daughter had shyly asked if she would carry her down the stairs, and Mom went on to eloquently describe how she would ‘always pick her up’. It was a heartfelt portrayal of a mother’s love for her child. It was also a story which any parent not living in the fantasy world of ‘my child is always a cute angel’ will see for the vomit inducing pile of horse shit it is.

Yesterday when dropping Keelyn off at daycare (which she loves) she decided to pretend she was shy and needed my strong Dad protection, grabbing onto my leg and trying to get me to hold her instead of leaving her with the gang of slave drivers at her school. I have zero desire to pick up that version of my kid. Happily, her teacher is rooted in the real world and simply grabbed her (gently but firmly) and took her inside.

Last week (and the week before and before and ……) we announced to the girls that it was bedtime and to head upstairs. Amazingly, two girls who seconds earlier had been lively and energetic now each lay sprawled one step up the staircase pleading in their best fake tired voice “can you carrrrrry me? I’m sooooooo tired!” To which I of course said “I will always carry you my little angels”.

Hah, right! Hell no. I told them to quit whining and get their little butts upstairs toot sweet.

Keelyn is one of the best huggers ever invented, she goes into it with all her little heart and she’s got the muscle to really make it a good squeeze. Kaia’s gentle little soul is a natural cuddler and she is an award winner at laying into you and relaxing, whether you are carrying her or watching TV on the couch. I love carrying and hugging my little curtain climbers, and know very well there will be a day I’ll miss this tiny version of them which fits so well into my arms.

But when we are the zoo and little Kai throws a tantrum because I won’t carry her, well then she can just go ahead and lay herself on the seal steps until she is done. I doubt there are many parents who truly want to pick up that whiny little kid, and I am not soft and fluffy enough to give in to that manipulation.

Little kids are cute and lovable, but they are also annoying and tiring. Parents love their kids, but they are also human beings who get tired and just plain ‘sick of it’. Girls, sometimes I’m simply too tired to pick you up, and sometimes I am far too irritated to give you that attention.

Because you see, as controversial as the concept may be to many parents, my love and affection for my children is completely conditional. Just like I promised in my wedding vows to my beautiful wife, this will always be so. My conditions at this age are pretty simple: don’t whine, don’t be mean, don’t be a little shit. If you can handle those simple conditions then the odds are much better I’m going to bend my creaky knees and give you a ride. And if you are the parent thinking I’m an uncaring and heartless father who can actually state that there may be a time or situation in which I don’t love my kids with all of my cold heart; well maybe I can find Jeffery Dahmer’s parents phone number for you to share your feelings with.

But I will continue to hug my kids a lot, kick their butts up the stairs when they need it and carry you when you deserve it. Cause simply being my adorable kid did not buy you a lifelong ticket to cuddletown.